pilgrim

she came to me one night, when the moon went dark and the sky pitch black. she wore the cloak of solitude, her face covered by the veil of silence. the evening was full of the singing of darkling-beetles, but all went hushed as she drew nearer. she whispered so softly, but her voice filled the night without mercy: “fear not the dark, for it is the light that burns. in darkness, we are beautiful. in darkness, nothing is impossible. in darkness, we are free.”

i struggled to speak, but my voice deserted me. there we stood, she and i. the pregnant silence filled the space between our bodies. i was frightened, yet i could not move. just being in her presence has petrified me. i saw nothing else but her, heard no other voice but hers, felt no other being but her. in the deepening darkness i could feel her smiling, she took my hand so tenderly. again she whispered, “fear not…”

“why fear loneliness, little darkling? loneliness is where we came at first. why fear death? death is our final home. why fear struggle? struggle is the air we breathe. why fear silence? silence is the illuminating melody of life…” she spoke again in her gentle voice. there was something strange in her voice, it was so soft yet so clear. i could hear nothing else each time she spoke to me; as if her voice was the only sound i ever heard.

she came closer, held my face in her hands. i could feel her eyes pierced me through. i know she was searching for scathing truth. after a moment she took my hand and we walked deeper into the dark. “there is nothing to fear but the fear itself, little darkling,” she whispered again as she squeezed my hand gently in her cool-comforting grasp. “i know you’ve been afraid of solitude,” she turned and caressed my face, “do not afraid of solitude.in solitudine solatium… in your solitude you shall find your solace.”

“i am in love,” i whispered almost inaudibly, “but i was forced to hide in darkness. i am frightened. if love should be so dark, i’d rather know it not. i wish i could stop loving.”

she laughed, not unkindly. she held my body closely, soothed my wounded soul. “who could understand the nature of love? love does whatever love wants; and no one shall know when it shall come, when it shall leave. no one shall know where love came from. ah, love… it is for our kindred, little darkling, love comes out of the blue… straight into the black.”

“but i feel so alone!” i wanted to scream, my tears streamed down.

“alone is how we stand, yet alone we never are,” she dried my tears with her fingers, “separation is the greatest illusion.”

“who are you?” i plead in my stunned confusion.

“i am who i am. i am who you are. we were dispersed yet we are one. i am the pilgrim of the night, black-clad under the evening stars; and so are you.”

and her body disolved into the thickening night-air; yet i feel her presence within.
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17 september 2007 ; 09.50